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The time I decided to stop looking for love is when love was the one who found its way to me. We always hear others say. I never believed it until it happened to me. I was in first year college when I met the man who turned my world upside down. The man who gave me the world, but in return, took pieces of me that I thought I could never get back.

We were friends first before we fell in love with each other. When I got to know him, I found out he was in a long-term relationship and that made me indifferent toward him. He sensed it and I told him that I adored him too much at this point and it was wrong. To my surprise he admitted that he felt the same way for me and that’s when it all began.

He ended things with his girlfriend because he said that they fell out of love and that there was nothing there anymore. I believed everything this man told me because his actions were louder and stronger than his words. We slowly started getting to know each other more and a great friendship came out of this. One day he confessed that he loved me, to which I replied thank you. My reply left him confused because he knew I felt the same way for him but I could not admit it.

I asked him if he was ready to face the challenges being with a transgender woman. I enumerated a lot of situations he could experience if he wanted to be with me. I mentioned that all he will get is my family, my friends, and me. I told him that I could never give him a family of his own; all I can give you is the family I have now. He said that will be enough. After this, things went swimmingly in our relationship and I was ecstatic. He met my friends, and I met his. I was also able to bring him to my family gatherings as a friend even if they knew the truth. Everyone adored him and I was confident that nothing was going to go wrong.

After around three months of knowing him, his supposed ex-girlfriend contacted me through his Skype account. When a message popped up, I knew in my gut that it was not him on the other end. I answered safely and replied without a hint of sweetness. After a few exchanges she admits that she was the girlfriend and said she was pregnant. I sat in front of my laptop in disbelief and I could not move. I could feel tears running down my face and shockwaves of pain in my heart. I found the strength to send him a simple text message that said, “I hate you.”

The night after, I was surprised to see him visit my home and we had a lengthy conversation filled with tears and anger. At first he lied and said that his best friend was the father and I believed him. I guess love was blind at that moment. Later on, I found out that he was actually the father. It was a perplexing situation. But he promised me that we would make it work. Again, I believed him.

Now, I knew the truth and still remained by his side. I was supportive and accepting of everything he was doing. Everything was great between us until the baby was born. We would meet once, maybe thrice a month and exchanged messages twice a week. It was hell at the beginning and I would cry in frustration until it became a norm in our relationship. What kept me going was my love for this man and how he made me extremely happy despite all his faults. I always told myself that the happiness I got from loving him was worth all the pain.

A year went by after the baby was born and I even helped him with his child’s first birthday party. I was happy for him but was I happy for myself? I realized that yes, I still was. At this point I knew I was on the losing end and I never asked him to choose because I knew he was going to choose his child over me. A year went by again and he informed me that he proposed to his girlfriend. Do you think I left and went the other way? No, I did not.

He asked me for suggestions about reception locations and what motif of his wedding could be. To my surprise, I still supported him all the way because I still gave him honest and great recommendations. I wanted him to be happy and I found myself always putting his happiness first before mine. We ended whatever you want to call what we had around a month before his wedding.

Honestly, I never regretted falling in love with him. He was open about our relationship and was never embarrassed about me. He never had problems showing affection when we were in public and I was not treated like a secret. You could say that I lost so much from our relationship but I see it as an experience that made me stronger. Now I know what I deserve and what power love has over us. I was broken and I was so angry when we ended things but I forgave him as time went by. It took a while for me to heal and for me to forgive him completely. I learned to stop blaming myself for things that I could not control and never think that I did not do enough.

We all yearn for love, but be reminded to be smart and think with your mind and not always your heart.

Confessions are anonymously-penned pieces about heart full, memorable and oftentimes life-changing experiences. Minsan masaya, minsan malungkot, madalas tagos sa buto. At the end of the day, learnings pa rin ito bes.

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