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The Unborn

If they were here
I should have been happier
It should’ve been a lot better
It should’ve been…
But they weren’t

If only mom was around
It should’ve been more comfortable
It should’ve been a lot easier
I should’ve been weak but happy
But she wasn’t

If only dad was here
It should’ve been more secured
It should’ve been a whole different picture
I should’ve been softer but admirable
But he wasn’t

If only mom was with me
I would never learn how to jump off the stairs
And missed three steps just to be in class in the nick of time
I would never be able to do the laundry, the chores
I would never start ironing my own uniform, cooking my own lunch
I would never…
If only she was here

If only dad was with me
I would never ever learn how to defend myself, never will I be blocking jabs and kicking asses
I would never end every action movies with a sigh, staring blankly at the empty space beside me
I would never had to look in every man’s eye and find him there
But I did, I always do
Because he wasn’t here

If only she was here
I should’ve known what to say when my long-time crush knocked on our steel gate, confessed his own version of “long times” about me
I should’ve said something sweeter than “Wow, thanks! That’s great,” and not to shut the steel in front of his pair of confused eyes
He never smiled at me nor talked to me again after that and we shared our own endless “long time no…”

If only he was here
I should’ve been very afraid to walk alone on a deserted street or walk myself home every night
I should’ve been very friendly, spent a lot of hours with strangers without thinking that it felt like betraying
Betraying him with a time for others but not even an hour with him

If they were just here
I should’ve known how to weep and seek a shoulder to cry on
I should’ve never done it alone under the vast sky on cold starry nights
I should’ve believed that people don’t just come and go
I should’ve held on to someone’s hand tightly that it will never loosen

If they were here
I will never have to worry of what tomorrow may bring
I will never have to end every night with dreams I may never hold grip on to
I will never have to face the sunrise and stare at the sunset with glittered eyes, hoping that all my “I should’ve beens” are illusions
Wishing all that didn’t happen will actually come true
All that I learned will eventually be their part

If you were both here
They wouldn’t have to say that I intimidate the sh*t out of people
That I don’t need protection because I can do it for myself
That I’m impossible
I should’ve never been tough but sad
I should’ve never kept all the achievements, praises, to myself
There should’ve been someone who can listen to all my stories, heartaches, rants, ups, and downs
If only…

If only I didn’t have to leave
And left you with nothing but broken hearts, shattered dreams, parted homes, ruined life
This should’ve been me
And not just a mere unmoved thing, carpeted with green wild grasses
It should’ve been a happy ending for them
If only I was born.



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